Florida Man Weekly Roundup: "It's Not Me, It's My Car's Alignment" — July 24, 2026

Happy Friday, Florida fam! 🐊🌴 Another week, another batch of headlines that could only come from the Sunshine State. From creative DUI excuses to uninvited reptile house guests to literal monkeys running loose in suburbia — Florida Man (and Florida's wildlife) did NOT disappoint this week. Buckle up, here's your weekly roundup!

🍻 "My Car Has Very Bad Alignment" — Florida Man's DUI Defense for the Ages

When Daytona Beach police responded to a car lodged into the side of a building on July 17, they expected the usual. What they got was a masterclass in creative excuse-making. 22-year-old James Southerland of New Smyrna Beach was found shirtless and animated near the wreckage, initially claiming he "hasn't been driving" — despite, you know, his car being embedded in a building.

When that didn't fly, Southerland pivoted to blaming his car's alignment. Bold theory, though most alignment issues pull a vehicle a few degrees, not directly into brick and mortar. Asked about how much he'd had to drink, Southerland admitted to "two shots" but struggled with follow-up questions. His defense? "I'm not too good at math." Look, we've all had rough encounters with basic arithmetic, but most of us aren't using it as a legal defense strategy. No injuries were reported — except perhaps to Southerland's credibility. 😂

Source: AOL / WFLA

💰 Florida Man Gives Himself the Most Incriminating Job Title Ever

A Ponte Vedra Beach man has been sentenced to nine years in federal prison after investigators say he illegally purchased and resold more than 121 firearms while trafficking cocaine. The best part? 28-year-old Braden Hobbs proudly referred to himself as "Mr. Cocaine Addict Firearms Trafficker." You know, just in case the feds needed a confession pre-packaged with a catchy title.

Between 2022 and 2024, Hobbs bought guns from licensed dealers, lied on his ATF forms, and resold them for cash — sometimes advertising guns for sale before he'd even picked them up. He also traded drugs for firearms. He racked up over $200,000 in illegal proceeds, all while apparently thinking a self-given criminal nickname was a flex, not evidence. Florida Man said "incriminate yourself" and made it a lifestyle. 🤦

Source: News4Jax

🐒 Wild Monkeys Are Just... Roaming Around Mount Dora Now

In news that sounds made up but is absolutely real, the city of Mount Dora issued an official warning this week after multiple sightings of wild rhesus macaque monkeys wandering through town. One was spotted outside the Lakeside Inn, another at Gilbert Park, and resident Priscilla Spears saw one near a shopping plaza. Just casually. Shopping, apparently.

The monkeys are descendants of a colony brought to Silver Springs in 1938 by a tour boat operator who put them on an island, not realizing they could swim. Nearly 90 years later, those monkeys' great-great-grandkids are exploring the greater Mount Dora metropolitan area. The city's official advice? "Please remember they are wild, feral animals and should be admired from a safe distance." In other words: do NOT try to pet the monkey, Florida. We know you want to. 🙈

Source: UPI

🐊 "He Just Looked So Mean" — 8-Foot Gator Shows Up at Family's Front Door

A Palm Bay family got the ultimate Florida wake-up call when their security camera alerted them to an "animal in the yard" just before 4 a.m. — and that animal turned out to be a 7-foot-6-inch alligator lounging on their front porch like he owned the place.

"His tail was bouncing against the door and bouncing against the house, and it was such a deep, guttural hiss and growl. He just looked so mean — I thought he was going to come through the window," homeowner Sierra Wynn told reporters. Palm Bay Police and a Florida Fish and Wildlife trapper responded to wrangle the uninvited guest. Wynn credits her security camera with preventing a much scarier scenario: "If I had opened the garage to let the dog out, or if I had opened the front door, I wouldn't have known." Smart lady. In Florida, always check the porch cam before opening the door. 📱🐊

Source: UPI

🛸 Mystery Object Falls from the Sky — Space Force Deploys the Hercules

In perhaps the most Florida X-Files moment of the year, a beachgoer at Treasure Shores Beach Park in Indian River County called 911 on Thursday after witnessing a white object fall from the sky into the Atlantic Ocean, followed by a plume of black smoke. This triggered a massive multi-agency search covering 40 square miles of ocean, involving the Indian River County Sheriff's Office, U.S. Coast Guard, Patrick Space Force Base, and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

Patrick Space Force Base deployed the C-130 Hercules aircraft to scan the waters. The FAA had no reports of downed aircraft. Boaters in the area saw nothing. No debris was ever found. The Space Force suggested it "may have been military flares," but the caller never saw it fall from an aircraft. So what was it? Nobody knows. Classic Florida: where even the sky drops unidentified objects and everyone just shrugs and goes back to the beach. 🏖️👽

Source: Vero News

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And that's a wrap on this week's Florida Man adventures! Whether it's blaming bad math for a DUI, giving yourself the world's worst nickname, or just living alongside wild monkeys and gators, there's truly no place like the Sunshine State. 🌞

Want to wear your Florida pride on your sleeve (literally)? Check out our Florida Man tees and trucker hats — because only in Florida is "Florida Man" a badge of honor.

See you next Friday for more unhinged headlines! 🤙🐊